The Thief Will Not Win

After posting so many difficult stories recently, I find myself asking why on earth I am doing this. I don’t really think people want to spend their precious time reading about trauma, and I would guess that those who know me might feel a little bit uncomfortable with the amount of personal information I am disclosing. I know that I am on a journey, and getting part of my story out there in this way is one small part of my process. So much of what I have shared so far has been facts, information about the realities of my own past and history. But sharing the facts is not the whole of the story I am trying to tell.

What I really want to share is that while there is a level of brokenness that impacts my life continually, there is a tremendous level of grace that impacts it more completely. In the book of John, Jesus tells a story. It is a beautiful parable about how a shepherd cares for his sheep. The shepherd is portrayed as kind and gracious, looking after his sheep tenderly and calling them to himself.  The sheep know their shepherd, and follow the sound of his voice. The shepherd is calling his sheep away from those that would harm them. John 10:10 says “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”

Here is what I know to be true. I know that there is a thief at work in this world.  I can see the work of the thief stealing, killing and destroying in my life, and in the lives of those I love. So much has been stolen—my innocence, my trust in those who should have cared for me, my childhood. So much has died—my relationships with my biological parents and extended family members, my children’s relationships with grandparents. So much has been destroyed—the life of my abuser, my brother’s life, the lives of other victims.

This week I was overwhelmed with the feeling that this is not how it is supposed to be. This feeling produces tremendous grief. I want things to be different; I long for it. At times, the realization of the present level of destruction threatens to crush me. I cannot explain all that I feel other than to say that it is incredibly painful.

Yet in the midst of all this destruction, this intense pain, I can hear a shepherd calling as well. I can see his work all around me. While he did not prevent the thief from coming in, he was there with me and he called me away from that place of darkness. By some miracle, I heard the voice of a shepherd who loves and cares for me, and I can honestly say that I believe he was calling me all throughout those challenging days. By believing in that truth and following his voice, I have found myself led into a completely different life than the one I knew when I was a child.

I cannot explain why I have been given the opportunities I have throughout my life, when I see others whose suffering is greater than my own. I can only keep listening for the voice that guided me away from destruction. That voice continually encourages me to stop allowing my own bitterness to steal my joy, my lack of forgiveness to kill my future, and my hatred to destroy my chance to feel and express love. When I listen to that message, I find peace.

So I return to the original question: Why am I sharing these difficult stories? Why not leave the past in the past, and enjoy peace in all that I have today? I am telling these stories because it is evident the thief came with a purpose in my life, and he made it his mission to steal my future from me, to kill my faith, and to destroy my hope of something greater. I am telling these stories so that the thief will not win. For me, that means that the story of my past will become a story of redemption. It means that what the enemy meant to use to harm me, God will be able to use for good. It means that I cling to the belief that I have been brought through much so that another sheep might hear the echo of a Good Shepherd calling them away from destruction, into a rich and satisfying life of their own.

This blog is only one part of the work that God is doing in me, but it is something that I feel strongly that I have to do. I know that in this process I will make mistakes. Sometimes, perhaps I will share too much. Other times, it’s possible I will disclose too little. For all of those mistakes I will make, I ask forgiveness from those who read. Truthfully, I am doing all of this as an act of obedience to my shepherd, and that is reason enough.

I believe God has a purpose and a plan for these events, these stories, these heartaches I have experienced. The opportunity to speak up and use my voice to reflect back on my story reminds me of his grace covering me, his light shining through the darkness, his love bringing forgiveness and healing to the broken places. In order to find that place of healing and peace, both the darkness and the light need to be shared openly.

The Good Shepherd promises me that the thief will not win. That promise is enough for me.